Yesterday I daringly braved the cultural depths of the 2005 Chicago International Auto Show. I must say, people never cease to amaze me. Never. The "international" part lived up to its name, but the "show" part kind of fell short.
It was the final day of this automobile extravaganza, so the place was PACKED. If you've never been, you're not missing much. It's a bunch of very waxed cars in a gigantic room among many non-waxed foreign individuals and kids. It hot, sweaty, and smelly, all rolled into one, just like your average used car salesman. Basically, you walk around this gigantic room and look at cars. The concept cars are usually cool, but they're always sure to remind you that "there are no future plans to mass produce this vehicle." Always a disappointment.
I'm pretty sure they were giving away digital cameras out at the door, because everyone seemed to be taking pictures with one. That, or this was just their first chance to use it since they got one for Christmas. What the hell are you going to do with pictures from the auto show? Use that killer shot of you next to the new GTO for your match.com profile? Here's a picture of a stationary car with hundreds of people standing around it. Awesome. Ooh, get a picture of those greasy fingerprints all over the door. Perfect. They stand 5 feet away from the car, trying to line up a picture, and then get pissed when a family unknowingly walks in their line of sight. Keep in mind, the floor is mobbed with people, but seriously, can't everyone just stop when you need to take a crappy picture of a car. Stop yourself. NEWS FLASH: Camera phone pics are ok for stupid, crappy, worthless send-to-your-friend type shots, but they really aren't the best option for a family portrait of your Mexican family of five.
Most of the cars are even unlocked, can you believe it? You can actually get inside a non-moving vehicle, sit on a damp-with-butt-sweat-seat, close the door, and pretend like you and your dad are cruising down "A1A, Beach Front Avenue." I can only imagine the thrill is overwhelming.
Kids were popping out of trunks, strollers seemed very hard to maneuver through the masses of people, and you could even buy fudge at one of the multiple kiosks located throughout the concourse. Real fudge!! It's like a bad dream set in a mall, gone even worse. Hey honey, don't forget the camcorder. So you can VIDEOTAPE the auto show? Again, even more than before, what the hell are you going to do with a video tape of the auto show? Anyone want to come over next weekend and watch my auto show tape? Sure, only if we can we beat you up after. Hey bro, grab me a beer and throw in that auto show tape, it's awesome. Fast forward to the part where the obese black woman won't just PUT DOWN THE ICE CREAM CONE.
Jeep set up an actual "test-course" this year. You could wait in a 3 HOUR LINE to get inside a rough & tough Jeep Liberty to drive over some rocks and tame a mean artificial mesa at 5 mph. I'm pretty sure I'd rather get hit by a Jeep.
Did I mention they serve beer and cocktails at the auto show? Nothing like a scotch while you're in the cockpit of the new VW Beetle.
People are also obsessed with the free stuff the car companies give out. I'm pretty sure I could fill bags up with crap, real, authentic, human crap, and people would flock to wait in line to grab one and carry it around. There were little kids, lugging around 50+ pound bags of promo materials.
Are they planning on a buying a car sometime soon? Hopefully they can test drive it over a cliff when they do.
schrags. out.
haha.